I love to take pictures, especially of my kids. I believe these pictures of today are my memories for tommorow when the kids shall fly off to create their own nests. Sometimes I tell them to hug each other for the benefit of the pic, sometimes they embrace naturally but my camera doesn’t catch it in time. So here is one I found in my stash which is the yin to the ‘yang’ pics I have mostly captured. About the pic : I have juxtaposed 2 images 4 yrs apart. The first one is of my elder one being tickled by the mere weight of my then 3 month old baby girl. And the 2nd one is of him being tickled by the exasperation he has caused in the same child 4 yrs hence, with his incessant teasing over little things.
My kids fight like cats and dogs sometimes, and hug and cuddle in the next moment, without even trying to iron out any of the differences they had a moment earlier. All my dreams of having a peaceful life and deliberately spacing the kids 6 yrs apart get washed out with their noise levels. Sometimes I myself scream like a banshee. But this is what I have learnt ( or have accepted as a result of not being able to do anything about it). Kids fight, they makeup, they forget- and these are any human’s first few experiences of understanding differences. These learnings sometimes get stashed away in a box while we are growing up. For some it can not be helped because they probably never got closure or had too much childhood trauma which continues in adulthood, so they would rather try to stay sane by stashing it away and living in a make believe. But for most it may happen as a natural progression of life, expanding spheres of relationships, the excitement of worldly possessions, the absorption in our pursuing our passions.
Grown up relationships get complicated because of not knowing how to respond appropriately when things go south or because of an underlying complication/complex in our relationships, which is very important to be discussed, be it with a sibling, a spouse, a friend, a parent, a mediator. Forgiving and forgetting amongst grownups doesn’t happen as spontaneously as it does with children, and that’s where ‘effective”communication comes into the picture. Words have the power to hurt as well as soothe, depending on how we use them.
Another kind of complication that a relationship may undergo is not knowing whether the other person would be at the same wavelength as you, where it comes to the need felt for sorting things out. That’s a heavy position to be in, and probably 20% of our troubled relationships may get to that point. The worst response a person may fear getting could be “ I didn’t think there was a problem, why did you feel so” , or “ I don’t think I did anything to upset you, I don’t know why you felt so”. Please note the emphasis on “I” here. This may be a person who prefers living in a state of denial because maybe they have bigger fish to fry or maybe they don’t have an appetite for open discussions.
How to decide when to walk away and when not too? And should you walk away? The right question to first ask your self is “ do I have anything to hide or be apologetic about?” If the answer is in the negative, then unless it comes from a lack of general exposure and understanding universal codes of conduct, and the damage from in-expression far outweighs the pain of silence, then one should surely throw caution to the wind, and seek the other person and politely express himself. If the answer is affirmative then maybe we need to work on ourselves too and be ready to accept where we may need to improve. Second question to ask “ what do I expect out of this conversation ?”
Diverting to an interesting joke I heard from a stand up comedian, in which the comedian tells the audience about how when you feel some one has been a jerk to you, and you imagine yourself confronting them , a conversation in which you are the moral police and the other person is well , just the ‘jerk’?” and how you realise that when you do end up talking to the person, he comes on to you as the moral police and then you automatically become the jerk”?
In real life that may happen. The key point to note here is – “ dont take a stand, don’t be the moral police and then you won’t end up being the jerk”. As simple as that. While communicating also learn to communicate how to do it right. Though a favourable outcome definitely will make things better, yet you don’t bank upon it for your ultimate happiness, and most importantly mean what you say!
Manage your expectations, know when you yourself may be in the wrong, be open to your own faults, yet don’t treat it as a ping pong match where blame is concerned. Be prepared for a no-show, and understand that the other person may not be expecting anything out of the relationship and that you just need to keep walking your life without them. But a fear of rejection shouldn’t deter you from speaking your truth. Be it with a child, a parent, a friend and most importantly in your marriage.
I have come across people who have contentions with their spouses and yet are not comfortable to communicate their thoughts across. Maybe they feel their silence serves them better then their communication. But I struggle to understand how one can be happy to treat their marriage in such a mediocre manner. Is that the legacy we want to leave for our kids- “avoid meaningful conversations and go on with life?”. Children pick up on silent vacuums between their parents too. I would rather communicate and make some noise, rather then live in a marriage of dullness and lack of understanding with my spouse. It helps iron out issues that are pertinent towards the growth in the relationship and helping build a sound environment for nurturing the offspring involved.
While the above is important to my existence as my relationship with a spouse is sacred to me, I also keep my mind open about how different people may function differently. Maybe some have better relationships with their friends than spouses and that helps find their equilibrium. Or maybe some are just content in having an amazing relationship with their spouse and have no friends to comfort them. Whatever floats one’s boat, as long as one can find that equilibrium while simultaneously trying to iron out the vacuums in their life and doesn’t end up lonely despite being surrounded by people.
The views expressed above are purely based on the blogger’s experience and spiritual journey which are ever-evolving just as her surroundings are. There are various aspects to communication – being an effective listener being one, polite communication being another , some of which she plans to cover in later posts. So if any reader plans to follow any suggestions mentioned above then we would strongly recommend deliberating on the various aspects of communication before taking any steps.
ExpressionsBySu 